What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:07
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
Who then, do I blame.?
I want to touch my sister’s boobs. What do I say?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
What’s a mistake most guys make when trying to get a girlfriend?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What can anal toys bring to straight men?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why is every human messed up in some way?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why did i forgive my father ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I said to her
This is soul school!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was 9 years of age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had hoped to write a book about this .